I have lost the will to live

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LogoJPG“It’s been four days since I’ve had a shower. Four days since I’ve got dressed. Four days since I’ve been outside.

But it’s raining. No one has noticed that I haven’t got dressed or been outside because the weather allows me to hide. Not only allows it but deems it socially acceptable to stay in bed and hide from the world. And though I wish for better weather, to see the sunshine instead of rain, I am thankful for the tears the clouds shed. Thankful that I have an acceptable reason to spend my days in bed watching TV instead of being forced to face a world I don’t have the strength to interact with. Forced to smile and laugh when I want to hide and cry.

I’m tired. Too tired and apathetic about myself and this world to do anything about my thoughts. Thoughts that recycle themselves as though they’re horses on a merry-go-round. It’s hard to break the cycle, to achieve anything so your thoughts remain forefront in your mind. Thoughts that do nothing but make you feel worse for doing nothing.

Should you make a cup of tea? No. That requires movement. Should you put the lights on? No. You don’t have the energy. Speak to a friend? Not likely. It takes effort to hide your emotions and you don’t have that right now.

But I have books. New books. 8 of them to be exact. I have words waiting for me to pour over and not a single desire to pick them up which pains me.

I’m severely depressed but I’m lying to everyone. On purpose. I don’t do it often. In fact, I haven’t truly lied about and hidden my depression to this extent in years but I just can’t face being honest. I can’t face telling people that, right now, when I am truly forced to think about it, realising that I can no longer call Bondi Beach home brings me physical pain. My chest tightens, my eyes well with tears and my muscles tense as though my body is preparing itself to break.

So when they ask how I am, I ignore it. I ask them another question, talk about something random or simply don’t reply. It’s an omission of truth in the strongest sense but I’m lying and pushing people away. On purpose. Because lying to others is much simpler than lying to myself. I know my truth but it doesn’t mean that others have to; especially when my thoughts are this dark. They will offer me nothing but well-meaning and loving platitudes but sadly and frustratingly, their words will not stop my thoughts or make me feel better even if that is their intention.

So I stay quiet because it’s easier than explaining myself. Easier than explaining how a simple walk through town makes me feel suicidal because it’s not the shopping centre I’m used to back home in Sydney. Easier than explaining how, looking at the ocean no longer heals me but hurts me. Reminds me that the water that surrounds me is no longer the ocean I love because it’s not Bondi. It is not filled with surfers or breaching whales. There is nothing. Nothing but an expanse of sea that I used to treasure and now loathe. I can’t listen to certain music playlists because they remind me of my daily run along the beautiful coastal trail. Even my running shoes are too emotionally painful to wear. It hurts they’re not pounding the sea view that brought me so much physical and emotional strength so I haven’t ran since i came back. I have no friends to meet up with for breakfasts or dinners or spend hours in the blissful sunshine connecting with. No fun activities to take part in or a social life on any level anymore. There are no words to take my pain away so I lie. On purpose.

I am grieving in waves. The pain ebbs and flows. For the most part I am on autopilot. The rest? The rest of the time the pain of no longer calling Bondi home hits me like a breaking wave that I am unprepared for. I can’t bring myself to update Facebook and change my hometown because doing so means my time calling Bondi Beach home is truly over and I don’t want people to ‘like’ that update. I’m not ready to face that demon of reality just yet.

People say you should never grieve over a ‘thing’ or place but that is simply not true; my emotions tell me so. Right now I am grieving not just for Bondi but the life I had there. The life that I had spent so very many years chasing because it was one of my making and I was content. I no longer feel any semblance of that emotion and it physically hurts to come to that realisation.

I am supposed to be grateful. Society tells me so. And I am. But I can’t be grateful that my time in Bondi has to come to an end. I’m angry. So incredibly angry. And every time someone asks why I didn’t get sponsored or came back, I feel like a failure. Logically, they don’t understand how difficult it is to get the visa, but every time someone asks, it chips away at me. Makes me feel as though it is my fault I couldn’t stay out there.

I stay quiet because I can’t bear the thought of having to justify my thoughts and emotions to people who won’t understand. I can’t tell anyone because they’ll reply with ‘but other people have come home and they’re fine’ or ‘everyone gets holiday blues’. It is more than that. It’s about spending 16 years living with depression and anxiety, finally becoming happy and having it taken away from me. It’s about believing I will never have a family of my own. That I will never be a success or find a job I can cope with but I have no want or energy to explain my emotions. It’s too hard. Too hard, feeling everything that I do, to explain why I am the way I am and why I am going through what I’m going through. I stay quiet because it’s easier than being myself in front of everyone.  I have lost the will to live.

So I’ve lied.

To protect myself but mainly everyone else. To prevent them the forcible pain of having to watch me break knowing they were powerless to stop it.

If the question is “if a tree falls over in the forest and no one is around to hear it does it still make a sound?”

My answer is:

I fell over.

And nobody heard.”

The above 1127 words started off as an article with no real direction. They then merged into a piece of creative writing and eventually, a letter to the Universe that I had no intention of sharing.

I am quietly devastated. I say quietly because there are no tears. No extreme outbursts of anger. No reckless decisions. I have simply, very quietly, slipped away from the world and protected myself as I did.

When asked I have not answered questions about how I am or feeling because I couldn’t. I couldn’t because once I say the words out loud, they are real and I have to do something about them.

So here is the truth…

Right now, I’m suffering a major depressive episode and have been for almost two months.  I don’t believe I will ever lead a life I am truly okay with. I don’t believe I will be a success, have a husband or a child of my own. I fear I will be ‘stuck’ in a job I hate in a place or country I don’t belong for the rest of my life. That I still live with my mum.  If my thoughts sound old and repetitive, it’s because they are. No-one ever said depression was ruminating over new thoughts. Very often it is the tortuous thoughts of the past that hurt us the most when we are so mentally fragile.

And though I recognise that it is the depressive dementor who lives in my head speaking, he lives because these fears in my head are real.

There is a saying in Italian; ‘with wine, comes truth’. Its meaning that though we say drunk words out of haste, the seed to speak those truths was there before the alcohol. I believe it is the same for depression. Though I recognise that many of my thoughts are not my own, they stem from them. I do fear I won’t have a husband or child, live a life I have made for myself and not be stuck in someone else’s or make this website a success. Those are my truths. However, it is the depression that holds me in the grip of those thoughts. Taunts me until they are all consuming and choking.

And part of me wants to allow that. Part of me never wants to allow the suffocation and never fight again. Part of me wants to lie down and never get up.

I have not spoken my truth for the very reason I wrote about what brings everyone to suicide; I don’t want to talk about it or have people offer me platitudes I have heard for years.  Don’t want anyone to tell me to get help and live because I didn’t (and don’t) feel I have a future life I want to participate in.  I have lost my will to live.

We say that phrase so often don’t we?!  We get bored watching a movie and joke that we’ve ‘lost the will to live’ doing so.  But how often, when we say those words, do we stop and really pay attention to what they mean?!  I have lost. my will. to live. And I don’t know how to get it back again.

I am usually so honest; an open book.  I pride myself for doing so because, however brutal it may be, it allows others to see that they’re not alone but this time, at some point I just stopped talking to everyone; my closest friends and you. I stopped talking because after 16 years with this illness, I’m fed up with feeling this way.  I’m tired of fighting.

Since returning to the UK, I’ve been offered 3 jobs. I have ‘wowed’ at every interview I have attended and allowed my skills to shine. One job wanted to hire me on top of hiring someone else because they wanted me so much and another, not only overlooked the fact that I had zero of their 2 years of necessary experience but gave me a £1000 salary raise before I began. But I turned them all down.  I had my logical reasons. But I also had my mental ones too because truthfully, whilst I have had the energy to ‘wow’ at the interviews, I couldn’t (and can’t) even get myself out of bed the rest of the time and when I did, I didn’t, and still don’t,  have the ability to read one sentence of a book. And very sadly, despite all the wonderfully unexpected feedback I have received over the last few weeks, I have lost all confidence in myself. Correction, my depression has allowed me to lose my confidence. My PTSD from my breakdown caused by a previous workplace has reared its ugly head once more and combined with the severe depression, I can’t cope with the thought of working and concentrating so hard on learning a new job.

I fell in love with myself last year. Moving to Bondi I found myself with the biggest and strongest social circle I’ve ever encountered with many event entries in my diary and now I come home to no-one and nothing but have no energy or desire to go out and meet new people. I became a runner which gave me a mental peace I can’t even describe and now I can’t even wear my runners because their memories are too emotionally painful and I can’t get out of bed. I took part in lots of activities that Sydney had to offer with everything from open air cinemas to nude swims and I now find myself back in a town where the most exciting event is a Zumba class. Despite my liver illness and bouts of severe depression, I LOVED my life. Not in a superficial, materialistic manner but one that I breathed with every fibre of my being. I am not that person anymore and I am not home. I have lost every ounce of that woman and I am lost in every conceivable way.  People say ‘at least you have the memories’ but the memories are killing me right now. I am grieving for the place, the people and the person I was and I don’t know how I’m supposed to get through that or pretend that I don’t feel crushed by the absolute weight of my heartbreak.  

And I tell you all this for no other reason than I’m tired of lying. It’s exhausting but I have done it for the simple reason that I’m tired of hearing cliches. People offering me platitudes and ‘helpful suggestions’ to fix myself. People telling me they understand then saying ‘everyone goes through it, don’t be so ungrateful…’. Because the point is that many ‘sane’ people may go through what I am but I am not them and they are not me.  After 29 years on this planet, I had finally found a place my heart called home.

 I am not asking for sympathy but that doesn’t mean we, who suffer, don’t deserve it.  We offer sympathy for each others’ flu but god forbid I’m entitled to any as my entire brain tells me to eat packets of pills and pretend that it’s not the most ridiculously fucking painful thing in the world.

I dread going to sleep each night and fight the tiredness so hard because the moment I turn the TV off, I am left with nothing but my thoughts.  No distractions from torturing myself over my current feelings, past mistakes and future fears.  It is incredibly hard not to believe your thoughts so late at night when you have no choice than to listen to them.  But because of that and how I’m feeling, I’m exhausted.  I sleep for over 9 hours at a time and I’m still tired.  I spent an hour in the supermarket helping to buy Christmas food and I was so tired I felt I had been for a run.  It is not laziness, I genuinely feel exhausted walking anywhere.  Even a flight of stairs feels like an impossible mountain to climb.  I can’t even bring myself to tidy up a chair or pack up some parcels to post.  But every time I try and explain it, I’m told to do it anyway, as though I’m just a lazy person who ‘can’t be bothered’.  As though their words (another way of saying ‘cheer up’) will magically make me able to find an everlasting source of desire or energy that I just don’t have right now.

So I write this huge confessional to simply ‘tell it like it is’.  I can’t, and never have, offered hope that it ‘gets better’ (even though I proved it does) because truthfully, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes we die.  But I’m trying my best to stay alive even though I don’t want to.

Everyone from friends and family and even you guys credit me with such strength which is heart-warming but I’m really not as strong as I appear.  I cry, I have panic attacks, I try and kill myself.   I am not inspirational.  I am a woman who, on an almost daily basis, tells herself to keep going but I do give up.  I HAVE given up.  If I was a real fighter, I would have taken one of those jobs instead of spending my days in bed but I’m human and right now my human heart is dealing with more pain than I know what to do with.

So, for the first time in almost 7 years, I am back on medication and have been referred to therapy despite not believing they will do much for me.  And sadly that comes with its own issues because not only do I have to deal with the side effects but the judgement of them too.  I recently told someone that I was on them & listed some side effects and they asked me why I was taking them.  And that, right there, is the issue.  Because when you ask someone why they have to take anti-depressants, what you are subconsciously suggesting to that person is that they’re not ill.  That is IS all in our minds and not real at all.  And though that may not be your intention, that’s how it feels.   I didn’t have to justify a thing when I needed steroids for my liver and had to deal with all the side effects but now that I’m on the anti-depressants I’m questioned why I’m even taking them.

I haven’t told anyone how I’m feeling because I have no energy to and almost anything someone will say will inevitably hurt me further since I’m currently so sensitive.  I’ve been struggling for almost 2 months alone because I simply don’t know how to explain how bad my head is.  I can barely talk and slur my words when I do, I can’t write, struggle to eat and drink can’t concentrate enough to read and recently took 6 days just to work up the will required to take a shower.

My friend recently tagged me in a Facebook post and said that she was glad that I had ‘moved back home’ and I wanted to scream and shout that I didn’t move back home; I came back because my visa ran out and this isn’t home for me. When my friend asks if I’m feeling better, I realise that they truly don’t understand how bad it is.  And so, to avoid becoming hated, I stay quiet about everything because I can’t cope with the fact that even their well-meaning words hurt me deeply.

It’s times like these where I hate who I am.  That I’m highly sensitive.  An introvert.  A thinker because my own head hurts me so intensely.  I feel so depressed but then guilty because even though I know it’s not true, I still feel lazy.  And useless.  Ungrateful. The problem is that when you feel this awful, your brain hits the ‘self destruct’ button and you stop caring about everything especially yourself.  So though I have medication and I’ve been referred to therapy, I still have to take part and that’s a struggle in itself right now but I’m trying.

Writing this has been one of the hardest things I’ve done and I know that I will hurt the people I love by doing so, both because I didn’t tell them on a personal level, despite them asking, but also because there’s nothing they can say or do to really help me.

So I’ve lied and stayed quiet knowing that I have to continue living despite feeling as though my world has come to an end.

I have lost the will to live and right now I have no idea how to find it again.

If the question is “if a tree falls over in the forest and no one is around to hear it does it still make a sound?”

My answer is:

I fell over.

And nobody heard.

38 Comments
  • eve

    Reply

    i’m right there with you. it doesn’t help, but i am.

    • Toni

      Eve – it does help because I know that I’m not alone x

  • Roel

    Reply

    I am very grateful for you to share your story. You are not alone, damn this letter hit close to home. It’s good to realise that you have the capacity for happiness, you’ve experienced how great life can be when you are surrounded by warmth and friendship and experience that feeling of being wanted and celebrated, feeling home. Depression is a nasty little protective measure our brain does to prevent more harm, dissapointment and pain. It doesn’t have to be you or what defines you. What helps me through the darker times is the realisation that every day is a unique oppertunity to better myself, to experience beautiful moments, and all you can do is on today. The past is water under the bridge, unchangable. The future always a day away. But today I can live and be as much the person I want to be. It might come across as well meaning platitudes, and if you haven’t experienced despair, emptiness, loneliness, disintegration of the will to live on a serious level it seems like an easy fix. it isn’t, I know. Life is hard on everyone. You are a talented loving being, that is able to turn even the darkness into something incredible like this letter (which is all the more impressive considering your current state). Realise that by posting this you have done so much good for people around the world who don’t even know you, you’ve made them feel heard and not alone in their struggle. Thank you, keep fighting, keep creating cause with you around this planet is so much more beautiful.

    • Toni

      Roel – I don’t quite know what to say other than ‘thank you’. Thank you for taking time out of your day to write such beautiful words about my work. Thank you for having the bravery to admit that you know these feelings yourself. I’m so sorry to hear that you also have to fight this terrible battle. You’re right, taking it one day at a time is often the best way to keep going. Every day you have the chance for something to change and to feel a little brighter for it. You’re also right to say that life is hard on everyone; a lot harder than many would like to admit to but by being honest, hopefully we can begin to have those tough conversations we all need. Thank you again xx

      • Roel

        Aww schucks now you have given me goosebumps. Since I read your beautiful letter, I now have a visit to Bondi put on my bucket list. It’s a great strength to know your fragilities and actively try to rise above them. Know you are not alone and your creations have more value to this world then you are aware off. Peace and love xx

        • Toni

          Roel – Definitely add Bondi to your list…it’s a beautiful place to sit and contemplate life! Thank you again for your very kind words; it means so much that you’ve taken time out of your day to comment x

    • Brooke

      Very Well put. And Very true.

      • Toni

        Brooke – Thank you x

    • Ferne

      I haven’t showered or changed my clothes in 2weeks. I spend all my time googling ways to die as the thought of going on like this is misery. I have lost of my abilities to feel anything so depressed I can’t even cry. I take anti depressants that don’t seem to have any effect. I do my best to hide away and not interact with people as I find it hard being around people who can laugh c ry feel love. I fail at being mother and can’t interact with my son I really believe he would be better of without me. I have no energy to do anything, I’m dead inside but still living this hellish existence. J UST wanting to stay in bed. I’m just tired of living when everything that made me human is gone

      • Toni

        Ferne – There is nothing I can to say to make you feel better because I know the darkness you speak of. I know your thoughts and your feelings and I’m giving you the biggest digital hug I can muster for you. You are not alone and I hope you’re managing to keep going however difficult you may find it x

  • Vijay

    Reply

    Hi there toni. You sound like a beautiful person who has been through some really painful times. There is so many things i would like to share with you and agree with you. But i have neither the energy nor the heart to tell it all. The only thing i will tell you is that if this is how you leave the world, the pain will not just end but go with you whereever you go. I have read and researched too many religious and spiritual scriptures that scream out loud that existense will give you whatever challenges your soul needs to evolve ie to realize its purpose. Sometimes these challenges will take their toll on you and make your life really hard and it may feel impossible to survive another moment. Just let yourself be and keep accepting everything that comes your way with an open heart. Donot deny anything and always believe in the fairness of the universe. There is no way that your creator would conspire against you or your survival. Instead it will always push you towards the light and if you have been accustomed to living in darkness even the light will hurt your eyes at first. But eventually it will start healing you and clear the darkness inside of you. We human beings are very strange creatures because we donot want to give up our old thought patterns our beliefs or the negativity and yet we want live to change for us.
    All i will tell you is that life is a journey where you realize your destiny and for some people it may take a lifetime for that to happen. You have been through a lot of suffering and that has opened a special portal in your being that not many other people have access to. Remember this that the lowest you fall the higher you can go. If you look into yourself you will find that you have a lot of virtues in you such as empathy, compassion, kindness which not many other people will have. These virtues are gifts that the existence has bestowed upon you because of your experiences of immense pain and suffering. People like you and me who have suffered too much understand the depth of life and the value of love and compassion and so the world really needs us. So have faith and just keep living another day because i know that one day you will reach the end of the tunnel where there is light waiting to redeem you.
    I will pray for you.

  • Daniel

    Reply

    Thank you for this, Toni. Fuck depression! You’re an inspiration. I hope you feel better soon.

    • Toni

      Daniel – thank you for your very kind words lovely; they mean a lot. I’m not sure I’m much of an inspiration but if I can help in any way then I’m humbled x

  • baz

    Reply

    I get your pain. It’s called regret. Like you missed some fork in the road you didn’t see. Didn’t realize at the time how fragile contentment is.
    I’m older and I’ve lived a lot, done a lot in many countries, always searching and now, I live on a jungle mountainside and it’s not where I want to be but trouble is, I don’t know where it would be better.
    It all begins and ends inside.
    The real trouble starts when you end up really not caring what anyone thinks, what YOU think, realizing none of it will matter in the end. I miss my dead friends and family. You get older, you lose people. Things are so fucking fragile. I wish I knew that then.

  • Michelle

    Reply

    It’s on a day I feel exactly what you felt. I get the same feeling a few times a week perhaps.

    Things that makes me happy doesn’t appeal to me at all. On days like this I would just stay home and sleep it off. Not easy to get out from the house. Then I wonder if I didn’t have the will to live, if I die in the next minute what would I do.

    What you went through is surely relatable, I’m able to write more when I’m more functional, but I admire your effort!!

    Hope you will be able to learn to cope. Good luck and take care!

    • Toni

      Michelle – Thank you for your lovely comment. I hope you’re feeling better yourself these days x

  • Nevermore

    Reply

    Thank you for writing this. The details are different but the sentiment is same.

    • Toni

      Nevermore – thank you for taking the time to stop by and share that you also know this pain x

  • QuarterLifeCrisis

    Reply

    Hey Toni

    thanks for writing this

    I wanted to stop halfway. I couldn’t bring myself to read anymore because it felt so painful and secondly, it was reflecting a like mirror to how I’ve been feeling over the past number of years. I resonate with lying in bed for days in my room and lying to others about how I feel because I’m just so tired… of everything.

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this. I’m totally present with you and I hope you’ve picked up since then. I’m going through a very lonely and confusing period in my life right now so it’s helpful to know that someone else shares the same thoughts and feelings.

    Much love, hugs and warm wishes xxx

    • Toni

      QLC – Shay, I’m so sorry to hear that you can relate so much to my words. It’s comforting to know there are others but also heartbreaking! Are you feeling any brighter or still really struggling? Big virtual hugs to you lovely xx

  • Diana

    Reply

    Toni,

    Thanks so much for sharing your story. I feel exactly the same way. I have moved over 40 times in my 58 years, always searching for ? maybe a home? that never existed. My depression is lifted just enough by anti-depressants so I can “put on my mask” and go about the chores and tasks that enfold each day. For a while, some days, I can distract myself with work, recreation, or errands; but every day I always return to the exact same feeling of not seeing anyway to regain the will to live. I call it perpetual motion, my life, and can not seem to return to any feeling of hope for change. There are so many things in my life that are good: I have a comfortable house to live in, I’m warm and dry, plenty to eat, a son and grandson to see now and then, but inside I feel like my heart and soul have been pulverized by life, and/or mental illness.

    ~ Diana

    • Toni

      Diana – I’m so sorry to hear that you’re suffering so intently yourself. Unfortunately having things that we are grateful for such as warm houses and grandchildren can’t fill the void that our mental illness creates. It doesn’t make us crappy humans but it makes us very unhappy ones. Sending you so much love x

  • Laura

    Reply

    Your words could be mine. I am trying so hard to find the will. My mother couldn’t and took her life in May. My teengage daughter is severely depressed too. You aren’t alone. I need to remember that too.

    • Toni

      Laura – I’m so very sorry to hear about your loss and the struggles that both you and your daughter are experiencing. What an awful place to be in; my heart goes out to you. Neither of you alone. I hope you can find some peace with each other xx

  • molly

    Reply

    I googled”I have lost the will to live” and found this. Wow! How many of us are there? Too many, I suspect. Too many highly intelligent, highly sensitive, highly caring souls for this stupid, selfish, unfeeling world to give a toss about! No one notices because we run and hide for safety and self preservation. Otherwise we’d be eaten alive! Screw this! Why should WE suffer? Screw this!

    • Toni

      Molly – I absolutely agree with everything you’ve just written! We caring, highly sensitive souls seems to be getting eaten alive by life. It’s a daily struggle but thank you for reminding us we’re not alone x

  • Ann

    Reply

    My heart goes out to your terrible burden, I hope sincerely you can find your peace and strength to live and be who you want to be, sending you my love love and strength.
    Anna. S

    • Toni

      Anna – thank you so much! 18 months later and I’m back here mentally again but still pushing forward 🙂 x

  • Salby

    Reply

    I Suffer from Depression myself. It started late last year. At first, It terrified me, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders while ALL the emotions and feelings were drained out of me. I started losing interest in EVERYTHING that used to make me happy. Friends, Family, Music, Everything. Happiness was just absent, I found everything pointless cos it doesn’t make me feel any better, all

    • Toni

      Salby – I am so sorry that you can relate and that you’ve been in so much pain! Sometimes it really can ‘sneak’ up on you and you lose all hope and happiness. I really hope things get better for you!

  • Jasmine

    Reply

    Like Molly, I also goggled “lost the will to live.” I feel like I’m almost there…I try to fight it I try to find reasons to get out of bed, but I’m slowly running out of them. More than not, my husband adds to the feeling of worthlessness. His PTSD erupts in anger and I always seem to be the reason for it, so it fit well with this once hidden feeling of “I ruin everything.” You are not alone.

    • Toni

      Jasmine – It saddens me to hear that I’m not alone but also comforted that you can relate. You don’t ruin everything but that doesn’t stop our brains from trying to convince us of it does it?! I wish I knew the answer to help ease the pain of that hopelessness but all I can say is that you aren’t alone; we’re all searching for those reasons too x

  • Crystal

    Reply

    I just googled lost the will to live and find this. I, too, lost the will to live. At first, I realized I have low self-esteem. After a while, I realized I do not love myself then I realized I do not have the will to live on. Almost everything I do, I seems to move so slowly than my usual routine and I lost my interest to do anything. I take prescription to help my depression and my suicidal but

  • Crystal

    Reply

    … not helping with my ambition and a will to live. Just trying to go day by day as best as I can.

  • Cynthia Hites

    Reply

    Toni your narrative is incredible. I feel the EXACT same way. I think you’re actually a genius unrecognized. You put into words my precise thoughts and feelings. For 30 years I was confident and happy and its earth shattering when those things are lost. I had no clue how totally confident I was until i lost it. I can’t understand why I feel so untethered but u are amazing. I love you

    • Toni

      Cynthia – Thank you so much for your kind words lovely. I’m so sorry, however, that you can relate to my work so much and that it feels like the rug was pulled from underneath your feet; it’s no wonder you feel so untethered and lost right now! I truly hope you manage to find your anchor again x

  • Jeni

    Reply

    Dearest Toni, Thank you for sharing what it has been like for you. I’m so sorry you know this pain. I’ve been fighting a similar battle most of my life. It feels as though my life force has left me with out my permission. I will keep you and those like us in my thoughts and prayers dear.❤

  • Brittany Allums

    Reply

    Everything you said I have and am experiencing.
    I would like to add something. I did find the love of my life and I did have a wonderful little girl and sweet boy and none of it changed anything. You always think if I can just achieve this I’ll be happy. Sadly in my case it didn’t work out that way. If anything it made it worse. I am still sad and I have everything I ever wanted.

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