The Suicide Door

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LogoJPGThere is a door that only those of us who struggle with their minds can see.  A door that can be all consuming in the attention it craves to both walk towards it and simultaneously away from it.  A door that we so desperately wish we could close instead of seeing the view through it.

When you’ve experienced mental health problems chronically or severely enough, there is a door that presents itself in the darkest of times offering light at the end of a truly tumultuous tunnel.  You don’t want to walk through it because you know how much pain it will cause every one around you but you also feel the potential peace you would experience if you simply walked through it.

The Suicide Door.

The door that presents itself in the darkest of times offering you a, false but bright, glimmer of hope that everything is going to be okay.  And it calls to you.

It tells you that on the other side of that open door lies peace.  Contentment.  Silence to our despairs.  And so we take a step.

We walk towards, what we believe, is one of the only answers to our problems we can see.  And every time we attempt to ignore the Suicide Door and its calling, it tells us that it can answer all our prayers.  It reassures us that everything will be okay if we just find the strength to walk through it and close it behind us.  Comforts us that we no longer need to feel so much pain.

So we take another step.

And as we take that step toward the blinding light, we find comfort in believing that we have finally found an answer to our troubles.   That when we have exhausted every other option we can see and no longer have the energy to search, all we need to do is walk through the door to end our suffering.

So we take another step.

But as we take this one, we look around our world.  Wonder if anyone will even notice or care that we have chosen the light at the end of the tunnel. Confirm to ourselves that we are doing the right thing by abruptly shutting the door behind us.  Affirm the relief we feel knowing we will no longer suffer.  We sit and write lists on the ‘pros and cons’ of walking through the door.  And though we may feel relief in our decision, it is gut wrenching.  Harrowing.  And yet necessary if we are to continue our journey through the door.

So we take another step.

We stand in front of the door.  We peer inside.  It’s a wonderful place.  There is no depression.   No anxieties.  Nothing.  Nothing but peace and a world without pain.  At least, that’s what we see.  Though we recognise the finality of our decisions, we also relish the apparent quiet we would feel on the other side of the it.

So we take another step.

And as we take this one, we take one more look around at the world and ourselves.  We write our goodbyes for anyone we think will notice or care that we have left the world behind.  We tell ourselves it’s ‘for the best’.  We look forward to no longer living a painful life.

So we take another step.

And as we take this last one, there is a moment of hesitation.  We have one foot through the door and another still in the tunnel.  So we stop.  And for some of us, when we take that last look back through that tunnel, we suddenly see a light at the other end of it; one we hadn’t seen before.  It’s faint but we can see and hear it.  And for those of us that are almost ready to walk through the door, panic sets it.  Panic and worry that we will attempt to walk through the door and have it close on us.  Worry that we will have to face the guilt and anger of surviving.  But we’re desperate to end our pain.

So we take another step.

But in which direction?

Do we have the strength to turn back and seek out that faint glimmer of light we thought we saw or have we decided that no glimpse of light, real or not, is strong enough to drive out the darkness?  That no fear of surviving could ever stop us from attempting to end our suffering?

So we stand in the doorway.  And we decide.

We decide if the glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel is worth chasing or not.

And then we take another step.

But in which direction?

2 Comments
  • Kirsty

    Reply

    This is such a beautiful post written about such a taboo subject. That you can write it without mentioning death or dying really highlights what suicide is about. It’s not about choosing to die. It’s about escaping our whirling minds, full of hate against ourselves and the pointlessness of it all. It’s not about dying. It’s feeling unable to continue living.
    xxx

    • Toni

      Kirsty – Thank you for your kind and supporting words as always lovely lady xx And as you said, it’s not about dying but escaping the consistent pain xx

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