There are not many times in life I can recall where I have been genuinely free of depression because I seemingly transition from one depressive episode to the next in varying severity but when I am free of it, truly free, it brings something special to my life – the ability to appreciate life.
I can’t quite call it gratitude because I don’t think the majority of us would say we were ‘thankful to be alive’ unless we had experienced something that almost ended our time. But I can appreciate the quiet things in life that many of us take for granted. However, despite the many photo quotes on social media exclaiming that ‘being in the moment’ can lessen the pain of depression, I can only feel the simple things when I’m free of depression. When the cloud has parted and I can see the world in a brighter shade.
Once the depression has subsided, everything in my world changes…
When I’m free I will stop to notice the clouds. Watch them as they join together and depart on their journeys. Watch as the hue of the sun changes their shape and the colours I see.
When I’m free I will dance at the bus stop. I will play my music loudly and dance even if people watch me because I’m lost in the beat of my tune instead of the judgement of others.
When I’m free I will run as far as my legs will take me. I will put one foot in front of the other at whatever pace my mind encourages me to and I will stop to take photos when the views are just too good not to appreciate.
When I’m free I will stop and watch nature. I will watch the waves of the ocean make their way to the shore and the ladybugs landing on their leaves. I will laugh as dogs excitedly greet each other and watch the trees sway in the wind.
When I’m free I will smile whatever the weather. I will run in the thunderstorm feeling the rain on my skin and I will bathe in the warmth of the sun.
When I’m free I will care what I wear. I will allow the colour that flows from my mind to be shown in my clothes. Everything from my hair to my jewellery will show how bright and content I feel.
When I’m free I don’t worry about the future. I enjoy the present and make exciting plans for life and to do outrageously fun things such as trampolining or nude swimming.
When I’m free I feel unbreakable. I make goals for myself and I don’t just achieve them but excel at them. Everything feels within my grasp and life has no limits.
When I’m free I will read. I will read books and articles for no other reason than the topic interests me or the story sounds inviting. If it’s an article online or a book in my hand, I will read it and soak up its words.
When I’m free.
I am in love with the world.
When I’m free.
I love me.